Betcha wish you were me, don’t you? Nine kids, fifteen years of parenting under my belt, confident, levelheaded, never get rattled, never overreact, that’s me.
And that, my friends, is why my husband and I spent three hours in the emergency room with the baby last night, to come home with this official diagnosis:
On the plus side, I, um, oh.
(It won’t let me load up the image for some reason.)
This week has been an experiment to see whether two rather sedentary adults can accomplish the work of five strong men, sleeping an average of four non-consecutive hours per night, and sustained by little more than beer, deli ham, and Laffy Taffy:
(Oh, so the answer is: “Yes, but unnnnnghhhhhhhh.”)
So here are seven things I never got around to blogging about:
–1–
Maybe someday, if we need a house, we will just print one up. I was going to say something about how such houses would be lacking in the charm that only traditional stick-built homes can afford, but then I looked around and, yeah. Charm. We once hired a guy to replace our front door, because whoever designed our house graduated Magna Cum Stupido from the Dr. Suess Academy of Ridiculous Architecture. After watching him struggle with the angles for over an hour, I apologized to him for how crookedy it all was. “Aw, that’s okay,” he said. “Anyone can work on a straighthouse!” So, that’s why we live here. W. H. Auden would approve.
–2–
Probably everybody’s seen this already, but my kids got a kick out of this Star Wars bloopers reel:
–3–
Here’s a thought-provoking post that uses that odious “What’s Your Excuse?” meme as a springboard for some even more interesting ideas about the “self-improvement culture” and what health really means. Long but fascinating.
–4–
Quickie: The reality of what food stamps cost all of us
–5–
I suppose you’ve already met the worst person in the world. I’m happy to report that, when we went trick-or-treating last night, there was no visible judgment from anyone, even though we had three teenaged trick-or-treaters and one baby trick-or-treater. (And yes, the candy really was for her. Although she shared it with the dog, who has a special weakness for lollipops.)
We also saw zero (0) sexy costumes. Probably because it was cold and rainy, but really! Three cheers for the backlash!
Of our own costumes, we took very few non-terrible pictures, but here are a few of my kids:
Ash from Army of Darkness:
The kid who went from door to door saying “Alms for the bodiless” instead of “trick or treat”:
A puppy, who wore this beloved costume for four months nonstop last year, even through the sweltering heat, because of reasons very much like this:
Here is our weeping angel getting ready:
Her finished costume got mixed reviews, mainly because (a) it turns out it’s hard to spraypaint feathers, maybe because they are, oh yeah, designed to be moisture repellent; and (b) we spent six weeks planning and about twelve minutes actually executing.
We also had a cat fairy, River Song, and 2D from Gorillaz (because we are the family your mother warned you about). The baby was “Baffled Two-Year Old Who Fell Asleep in the Car on the Way Home from School and Continued Sleeping Until It Was Time to Go Trick-or-treating, So We Just Put a Fluffy Scarf on Her and It Was Cute” girl. Oh, and a princess:
Sorry the pics are so dark. We’re getting thunderstorms here, and if I delay posting this any longer (to lighten up the pics), I’m going to lose my internet. You get the general idea. Lotsa candy, happy night. We’re going to watch The Birds andSigns with the older kids, as part of our prolonged weekend of spookiness.
–6–
God bless this amazing young woman protecting an apparent neo-nazi from a mob:
There were shouts of “Kill the Nazi” and the man began to run – but he was knocked to the ground. A group surrounded him, kicking him and hitting him with the wooden sticks of their placards.
Mob mentality had taken over. “It became barbaric,” says Thomas.
“When people are in a crowd they are more likely to do things they would never do as an individual. Someone had to step out of the pack and say, ‘This isn’t right.’”
So the teenager, then still at high school, threw herself on top of a man she did not know and shielded him from the blows.
“When they dropped him to the ground, it felt like two angels had lifted my body up and laid me down.”
–7–
And finally: Hundreds of proofs of God’s non-existence and counting!
Don’t forget to check out Jennifer Fulwiler’s blog for the rest of the Seven Quick Takes. And, because I am special, I saw the cover of Jen’s new book, and yes, it is magnificent, and perfect.
Nothing like settling in after a long, busy Saturday, finding a cozy chair, cracking open a beer, and starting to make my son a paper mache Army of Darkness chainsaw hand for Halloween.
(Fortunately, we already own a boomstick.) NOT THAT YOU ASKED, but here is how the chainsaw is going:
For the blade, I cut a foam meat tray. For the motor housing part, or whatever it’s called, I rinsed out a milk jug and trimmed off the mouth. Then I cut a slit in the bottom of the milk jug, inserted the foam blade through, and taped it place on the inside and outside of the milk jug with duct tape.
Then I cut a small X on each side of the milk jug, stuck a wooden dowel through, trimmed it to fit, and glued both sides, inside and out, with hot glue. (This is so my son has something to hold onto.) I also hot glued the inside and outside of where the blade goes into the milk jug.
Here is my happy boy, soon to be Ash, trying it on:
Then I slapped on papier mache and set it to dry:
NOT THAT YOU ASKED, but I will post more pictures when I put on the teeth and get it painted. I’m not going to do tons of detail — just keep the milk jug’s handle as the handle, and add a round vent thing after it’s painted. I’m going more for a cartoonish version than a faithful replica. Because it’s paper mache!
No setting traps for the baby just because you’re bored.
Or if you must, no using the last of the ham as bait.
apples, brussel sprouts, and three nuts
–1–
Well designed hair jewelry! We are one hairy family. Katrina Burbank was kind enough to send me a few of the lovely hair do dads – a Flexi Clip and a beaded headband — that she sells through Lilla Rose Hair Jewelry. Honestly, I was skeptical at first, especially about the flexi clip. It’s pretty, but it looked hard to use and too small and heavy to stay in my kids’ thick, fine hair. I also thought the headband looked uncomfortable.
Nope! Wrong on both counts. The headband has a hidden elastic band with an adjustable buckle, so it stays put without being too tight
She has dibsed this one for her first day of kindergarten.
and the flexi clip kinda just snapped itself into place and stayed put. Dummy proof, which is what I need. My four-year-old climbed up and down an entire mountain and it didn’t even slide around. Both pieces are lovely and well-designed, and the girls and I have been taking turns wearing them. Thanks, Katrina!
–2–
A message of genuine tolerance. Hooray, the pro-life COEXIST sticker has its own website!
I have this sticker on my van, and you know it’s working because I haven’t run over anyone in months. Check out Isa-Life Productions. Gosh, I would love to see more of these in traffic.
–3–
An easy, cheapish, and tasty dinner! Budget Bytes’ Easy Sesame Chicken.
It really was easy, and more than half the family liked it, which is more than I ever hope for. I even substituted veg oil for sesame oil, regular vinegar for rice vinegar, and powdered ginger for fresh, and it was still yummy. I was afraid I’d have to coat and dredge and cook each piece of chicken separately before adding the sauce, but you just mix it up with the coating and dump it in the pan, and it cooks up nicely. And you guys, it turned out just like the picture.
–4–
Free pizza! Pizza Hut is still doing that Book It program, where your kids can “earn” free pizzas by reading books. We did this while we were homeschooling (and then ate our pizza in a nice quiet restaurant while everyone was still in school, ha ha). They even have a special form for homeschoolers, so you can enroll your kids without having to make up a name for your school.
–5–
Our fabulous new couch! Here is my daughter testing it out:
Heh. What happened was, last week I threw our old couch out in a fit of righteous indignation. This was satisfying; but, on the other hand, we now had no couch. So I saw one at the Salvation Army for $40 and paid for it, to be picked up the next day, because my van is in the shop, even though not all of the bolts had fallen off the wheel yet.
This morning, I dragged my husband out of bed and we went with his station wagon to pick it up. I told the kids to clear a path so we could get through, and to clean the living room, and get ready for our EXCITING NEW COUCH! Of course when we got there, the store was closed, so we had to hang around in the other thrift shop next door. They had a Fireproof DVD for only $3, but my husband claimed he “didn’t have three dollars,” which is, of course, why we need this movie so badly! But whatever, I guess I can hold this marriage together all on my own.
Finally the Salvation Army opened, we backed up the car, loaded up the cushions, carried out the couch, and guess what? It didn’t fit in the car. So we gotta go back.
At this point, I was feeling a little downhearted, because how frickin hard is it to buy a used couch, and I can’t even do that, and the kids are going to be disappointed, etc. etc. So my husband says, “Should we bring in an invisible couch?”
So that’s what we did when we got home. As the kids looked on, we opened up the back, carefully eased out an apparently very heavy nothing, hefted it up to the porch, flipped it sideways, wedged it through while panting and grunting a lot, almost dropped it on my toe a few times, and shoved it into place. Then we invited them to sit on it. Five of them looked disgusted, and one started crying. Ha ha, what a good joke! Oh well. I thought it was funny, anyway. We’ll get the couch tomorrow, if the van is done. Maybe I should just get an invisible van.
Here is how our little camping trip went.
1. Several people asked about the yurt we rented. This particular one was in a state park, and so it was ridiculously cheap: something like $40 a night. (At that price, you need to book it many months in advance.) It has wooden floors, electric outlets, and an overhead fan, and came with a table, shelves and — get this — eight sets of wooden bunk beds. This pic doesn’t capture the atmosphere, but it gives you a general idea of the structure:
So the baby slept in her portacrib, and the other kids each had their own top bunk. We did bring a fan, which was a good call, but no other appliances. We kept perishable food in a cooler.
The sides and roof of the yurt are insulated canvas, with a wooden lattice frame holding them up, and there are screened windows and doors. The top is a domed skylight, which you can crank open with the use of a long pole. It is cool and airy, and completely gorgeous as the light changes, like living in a bower made by very intelligent birds. We were surrounded by pine trees, and the campsite had several picnic tables, in-ground and above-ground firepits and grills for cooking, and our own personal port-a-potty. There was a water spigot fifty yards away, and a dumpster down the road.
So it was perfect for our purposes: just inconvenient and outdoorsy enough to be entirely different from living at home or staying in a hotel, but with enough conveniences to make life bearable.
2. I don’t care what my husband says, that was definitely a bear. We also heard some owls making really lunatic noises. This is where I was especially happy to have more than a mere tent to get inside of.
3. My favorite part was actually the shelves. I absolutely hate rummaging through boxes to find things. Being able to put things in order — having a “medicine chest” shelf, a pantry shelf, a utensils shelf, etc. – made me feel sane. That and a laundry basket for all dirty clothes, and a clothesline for hanging wet stuff. And a garbage can, and lots of garbage bags.
4. Our favorite meal was “walking tacos.” I brought some cooked ground beef in disposable pie tins, which we heated up on the campfire. Each kid got two little bags of Doritos, to which we added the meat, shredded cheese, cherry tomatoes, and salsa. IT WAS SO GOOD. Possibly because we were starving by the time the meat was hot.
We also grilled corn on the cob. You just throw it right on the grill with the husk still on. Sweet, juicy, and fantastic.
We followed up this meal with a silly dessert: you take ice cream cones (sugar cones, with the pointed ends) and stuff them with peanut butter, banana slices, chocolate chips, and mini marshmallows, wrap the whole thing in tin foil, and put it on the grill until the insides melt. It was a little too much work for the results, but the kids liked it.
5. For some reason, I thought it would be silly to bring forks and spoons. We’re camping, after all! So I brought one spoon, feeling fine and pioneerish.
Well, next time I’m bringing forks and spoons. And pot holders.
6. As I mentioned in the Register, the swimming hole was scary. The trails in the park were also pretty lousy — full of stinky bogs and felled trees, and very poorly marked and maintained. So instead of swimming or hiking, we ended up going back, over and over, to the waterfall spot I described. The kids will remember it forever.
7. And here are some more pictures!
Benny in her outdoorsman outfit, with her Benny face.
What I plan to do next time I consider starting a discussion about the contraceptive mentality or circumcision or vaccinations or homeschooling.
Monsters that we are, we insisted that the kids get out of the van to go to this boring, lousy, not-fun place, because we are jerks.
Some people were very much in their element.
“Look, Mama, I’m a mermaid!”
I mean good grief, what a gorgeous spot!
Intrepid.
Helping Daddy grill corn in the rain
some interpersonal relations during lunch
Yay, we went camping!
Okay, that’s going to have to do! Check out Conversion Diary for all of this week’s other Seven Quick Takes.
Every once in a while, someone writes to me looking for advice about how to run a large household with thrift and efficiency.
Why don’t I? Because of things like this:
What? I had a dream. It’s going to be a bad scene, folks — the great ketchup famine of ’14. Be prepared! Plus, it’s not often that I come out looking worse than Mrs. Pig,
At least she bought all that ketchup on purpose. I, on the other hand, just suck at making shopping lists.
