Author: simchajfisher

The Parts Readers Skip

Gee, I’ve been educated a lot this week about what writing is for — about what writers ought to be able to get away with, because they’re crafting an underappreciated genre called a persuasive essay; or because we gots to fight against the Twitterification of America with its puny, shrunken 140-character-wide brainspan; or because sometimes meandering and hemming and hawing are illustrative of a human experience and are therefore not only excusable but relevant, even unto 9,000+ words.

Hey, you know what? I never liked Montaigne, either.  I read enough to get my college degree

and then I donated all my Montaigne to the library book sale some other poor liberal arts sophomore can admire ol’ Michele’s finger sniffing ways.  As for me and my house, I will take notes on the first sixteen pages and then fake the rest.  I’m the reader; I get to decide what I want to read.  I push the boundaries of my tastes often enough that I can trust myself to occasionally say, “This stinks” — and I can still sleep at night.

Have you ever read anything by Elmore Leonard?  I haven’t.  Whether it’s any good or not doesn’t actually matter, because his rules for writing are fan-effing-tastic.

Best of all, I like #10:  Try to leave out the part that readers tend to skip.

Think about that for a second.  It seems so obvious; and yet it’s so obvious that so many writers simply don’t do this.  They don’t think about the audience at all.  They don’t worry about being engaging.  They just worry about this exquisite river of ideas which pours forth from their precious mindspring.

Well, guess what, Mr. Tappy Tappy?  Nobody owes you a reading.  You’re not writing for myself. You already know what you think, and you already care about you ideas.  Everybody else?  Why should they?  You have to earn it.

I don’t always work hard, God knows.  But when I think have something important to say, I do work really hard to be clear, to make my writing engaging, to make my points easy to understand, and to pay the reader back handsomely if he has to make an effort to follow what I’m saying. He’s the reader; he gets to decide what he wants to read.  And the minute I forget that, that’s when my writing gets shitty.

So I work.  And then, if people still don’t like what I wrote, I have three choices:

1. I can say, “The hell with you.  I did my best, and if you don’t like it, then goodbye to you and farewell to thee.”

2.  I can say, “Uh oh, a lot of people didn’t understand what I meant, either because I dropped the ball, or because this is a tricky topic.” And then I write a follow up piece.  (This seems to be what Joseph Bottum is saying.)

Or, 3. I can whine and moan about how dim everyone is, and how brave I am, and how hard it is to put myself out there day after day, booey hooey hoo, and now they’re even saying mean things about me, even though I said something that I knew would upset people!  (Oh look, it’s my paycheck in the mail, and it’s really big this month, because I was Controversial!)  What was I saying?  Oh, yeah, booey hooey hooooo . . .

(Sometimes I indulge in #3.  But at least I feel bad about it.)

Every so often, someone writes to me asking for advice about writing.  I used to try to be helpful, but now I just try to talk them out of it.  Why?  Because they seem to think it’s just a matter of finding the right door, behind which there are throngs of people just waiting and wishing and hoping that their savior writer will come to tell them what to think.

That’s not how it goes.  How it goes is, you probably have nothing new to say.  Nothing.  The best you can possibly hope for is that you can find a slightly new way to present something that will remind a few people of what they already know.

And most of the people who read what you say will miss your point entirely, or read what they want or expect to read.  Or they won’t care, and won’t even read it, but they will insult you anyway.  They will demand that you explain yourself, even though you already did.  They will be, in a word, stupid.

And you know what?  That’s their problem.  It’s not yours.  You have two jobs:  to try as hard as you can to make people want to read what you have to say, and then to forget all about it once you’re done.

Think you can hack it?  Think you can tear hours out of your schedule and pour it into the keyboard, press “publish,” and then just get on with the rest of your life, dealing with dinner and diapers and bad drivers and no milk for breakfast and a million other things that are really important, and yet have nothing to do with you and your precious idea butterflies?  Okay, then have at it!

But for crying out loud, unless you really are Montaigne (or Gay Talese, or Martin Luther King, Jr., or Robert Louis Stevenson, or Benjamin Franklin, or Mark Twain– or if, at very least, you understand why these guys are great), do it in fewer than 9,000 words.

 

My thoughts on the Jody Bottum contorversy

Last time I read 6,000 words at sitting, they were written by Herman Melville.

That is all.

 

Seven Quick Takes: In which I don’t make fun of anybody!

I’m still finishing up final edits of The Sinner’s Guide to Writing the Book Which I Will Never Ever Ever Be Done With Ever, and working on another writing project which I’m thrilled to be a part of, but which is giving me nightmares because I want to get it right.  And I decided we should go ahead and redo the living room walls, which are horsehair plaster, covered with wallpaper, covered with cheap wood panelling, covered with two more layers of wallpaper, covered with paint.

And all of this needs to be done soon, before school starts next week, because the beginning of the school year is like childbirth:  if you’ve been through it enough times, you do so remember how painful it is.

I was going to say “I may not be blogging much in the next week or so,” but I don’t actually blog that much anyway.  So, I don’t know, here are seven things:

–1–

Suzanne Temple reposts an oldie but goodie about a perennial question:  how the heck do I deal with the little kids when I’m trying to teach the big kids?  It’s aimed at homeschoolers, but much of the advice will work for parents who are trying to get anything at all done with little guys around.

 

–2–

Here is fog rolling in in Newfoundland.  It’s just fog and it’s gorgeous, but if I were standing on that road, this would freak. me. out.

 

–3–

Speaking of being freaked out, here is an underwater sinkhole eating some trees whole:

Hmm, I’m noticing a pattern here in the videos that capture my imagination.  Could it be that I’m feeling a tad overwhelmed?  Nah.

–4–

Here’s someone who did not get overwhelmed:  Antoinette Tuff.   I embarrassed my kids by bursting into tears when they played the 911 call recording on the radio.

She tells the shooter that she almost committed suicide last year, when her husband left her, but she got through it and here she is now.  She says to him, “It’s gonna be all right, sweetie.  I just want you to know that I love you, though, OK? And I’m proud of you. That’s a good thing. You’ve just given up. Don’t worry about it.”

God bless her.  Wondering about what the “feminine genius” looks like in action?  Here you go.  She never forgot for one instant that he was a human being.  Just beautiful, and terrifying.

–5–

From the sublime to the ridiculous:  MST3K is back on Netflix Instant View!  They started with only four episodes, but seem to be adding more gradually.  Looks like we will have a Patrick Swayze Christmas after all!

 

–6–

The other night, we saw the International Space Station go by overhead.  Well, duh, of course it was overhead.  It was very nice.  It just sailed along, so quiet and orderly, so full of astronauts.  We waved.  Here you can check out where and when to look for the ISS in your piece of the sky..

 

–7–

One of the reasons we bought my laptop from Walmart is because of their excellent service plan.  I’m not going to point any fingers, but somehow coffee was spilled in a very bad place, and my keyboard stopped working.  So we put in a claim and they sent us a postage paid padded box to mail it in.  Then somehow (again, not naming names), it got sent off without the order slip (with my name and address and description of the problem) inside.  But even so, a week later, I got it back, all fixed!  Good deal.  Furthermore, I guess I left a Steely Dan CD inside, and they returned that, too.  Thanks, Walmart!  This one’s for you:

Don’t forget to check out the other Seven Quick Takes at Conversion Diary, and happy weekend!

7 Quick Awards

Hey, it’s been a while since anyone passed out any useless internet awards.  Here yuh go, in no particular order, for no particular reason:

1. The Weeping Putin Award goes to Mark Shea for his egregious crimes against totalitarianism.

Who does he think he is, etc. etc.  Hermeneuticalosityness.  Constantine.  Etc.

2.  The Bruce Wayne Award goes to Joey Prever/Steve Gershom, because he’s recently come out as Batman.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

3.  The Peeping Pope Award goes to Elizabeth Scalia

I mean look at that!

4.  The Mixed Feelings Award goes to the people who took away the dancing hillbilly’s raccoon

because dammit, you can’t keep a pet raccoon!  But aw, he named her Rebekah.

5. The Best Damn Soup I’ve Had All Year Award goes to hot and sour soup

for being the opposite of a half-eaten peanut butter sandwich I found on a chair and finished eating, because hey.

6. The Hey, Remember Me? Award goes to Dick Gephardt’s wife, Jane Gephardt

because no, we don’t.

7.  The Best Blog Post Ever Award goes to me.

See #1-6 above!  Eh?  Eh???

Say what you like about the tenets of bashing people’s heads in . . .

at least it’s an ethos!  According to Philip Primeau of Catholic Lane.  He responds tomy little romp through the pecadillos of our hero Putin with this manly thrashing (emphasis mine):

The fact is, Mrs. Fisher and Mr. Shea do not scorn Putin because of his disregard for Christian values—which he is struggling mightily to restore, however spotted his own soul may be—but because of his disregard for the dangerous ideals of the Enlightenment. These liberal ideals, such as “freedom of speech” and “freedom of religion,” are sacred to many Catholics, despite the church’s longstanding contempt for such intellectual licentiousness. 

Yep, you heard it here first:  The Catholic Church has longstanding contempt for liberal ideals, such as “freedom of speech” and “freedom of religion.”

If John Paul II were alive today, he’d be punching Philip Primeau in the back of the head when no one was looking.

Lots of siblings = low divorce rate?

Interesting little tidbit on CatholicCulture.org:

Sociologists from Ohio State University have found that children from large families have markedly lower divorce rates.

The equation that emerged after a 40-year study, involving a sample of 57,000 American adults, was simple: The more siblings you had as a child, the less likely you were to be divorced as an adult. The researchers don’t offer an explanation for this phenomenon—in fact they seem to be stumped—but they know it’s not because the children from large families don’t marry. On the contrary, they’re more likely to marry, and more likely to stay married, than their small-family counterparts.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from listening to smart people argue, it’s that no study ever actually tells you anything definitively — or at least, by the time the headlines trickle down to laymen, there’s no way of telling what actually happened or what it means.

But as someone with seven siblings, married to a man with seven siblings, whose children each have eight siblings, this study caught my eye.  CatholicCulture.orgmakes a blithe conclusion about the causation:

We already know that among married couples who don’t use contraceptives, the rate of divorce approaches zero. Obviously these couples are more likely to have multiple children. So by eschewing contraceptives, a married couple is taking a huge step to guard against divorce—not only for themselves, but for their children as well.

I think it’s got to be more complicated than that.  It’s not as someone’s Essure doohickey backfires on day and then BAM, their worldview is transformed.  There has to be some steps in between (a) not using contraception and (b) having a good marriage.

I have long held that the non-contraceptive marriage is long-lasting because the non-contraceptive marriage is likely to be founded on religious faith, and that that is what holds the family together.

And it’s not pretty to think, but there must also be some couples who don’t contracept, who are religious, and who stay together despite abuse and serious disfunction, just because their community of religious friends and family would shun them if they divorced (yes, even with a legitimate annulment.  I’ve seen it happen).

On a more positive note, here are a few other things which must contribute to the longevity (and, it is to be hoped, the strength and happiness) of marriages between people with lots of siblings, religious or not:

There’s the example of other married couples.  If no one you know is married, what are you gonna do when you’re not getting along with your spouse?  Freak out, assume the marriage was a horrible mistake, and split up.  But if you’ve seen other people — people who are sort of like you, because they’re family — get past bad stuff, and if you can get their advice, then that’s invaluable.

There’s babysitters and other kinds of help.  Of course this assumes that your siblings are willing and able to help; but if there are lots of them, chances are someone will pitch in if you need something — a babysitter, a short loan, some baby clothes, an extra set of hands painting the house, or whatever.  Marriages always do better when there is help available.

And there’s the example of the long view of what marriage is for.  Very often, I hear married people with a very young family talking as if raising a family is some kind of 18-year project, where you spend X amount of dollars to achieve a satisfactory outcome.  That they’re doing something important but temporary when they have a child, and that they will be able to get back to their real lives once the kid leaves home.

It’s a lot harder to fall for this crap if you go to a huge family reunion where there is a big, unwieldy mess of cousins, aunts, and uncles; maybe your mother is pregnant at the same time as one of your sisters; maybe your niece is pregnant at the same time as her mother.  Maybe one family is staying with another family.  Some people are doing well, some not so great; some are following their plans, and others have blown so far off course, they can’t even recognize their former lives.  But they’re okay.  You see the family spread out in what my father used to refer to, in tones of mock horror, as “the rich tapestry of life.”

Once you see that, it’s a lot easier to remember that you’re in this for the long haul.  Not for your personal satisiaction, not to produce a successful offspring like a science project that you can fold up and put away at the end of the day . . . but because having a family is what people do, overall.

Well, what do you think? What have I missed?  I know I have an especially close and supportive family.  If you’re from a large family, what effect do you think it’s had on your marriage, for good or bad?

My book’s first review, and a giveaway!

My book isn’t even available for pre-order yet, but it already got a good review!

Bearing of Bearing Blog read The Sinner’s Guide to NFP, and she wrote:

[E]ven if I am not the target audience, I am maybe the target reviewer, because I wholeheartedly endorse the attitude in this book.  The truth is that even when you’re both totally on board, NFP has features which, well, you might as well laugh at them so you don’t

(a) cry or

(b) throw things at each other.

As for the state of NFP discourse, even (especially?) among faithful Catholics?  Well, it can be even worse.

And that is why we need Fisher’s book.  It’s frank, it’s conversational, and it’s funny.  What’s possibly most important: it firmly rejects the nosy judgmentalism that pervades the conversation today, choosing instead to emphasize the great variety of good paths that a couple may find as they discern together the right decisions for their family.

You can read the rest of her review here.  Thank you very much, bearing!

I was extremely pleased and grateful to be able to also include blurbs from Brandon Vogt, Dr. Janet Smith, Msgr. Charles Pope, Jennifer Fulwiler, Leila Miller, Elizabeth Scalia, Kayla Peterson, Elizabeth Duffy, Marcel LeJeune, Erin Manning, and Gregory Popcak.

I know it’s kinda early to do a giveaway for a book which won’t be out until November, but I’ve been meaning to do a mini fundraiser for my kids’ charter school.  Here is where I describe the school in particular, and here is where I describe what I’ve learned to look for in a school in general.  I can guarantee you that every cent of your money will be spent wisely and well!  This school is like what I always wanted my home school to be, except with friends, and I don’t have to do the work.  Fantastic.

As I did last year with Style, Sex, and Substance, I’m going to combine a giveaway with a fundraiser, and will be giving away free copies to three winners.  So if you would like to pre-win a copy of my book, which of course you do, here’s the deal:

OPTION ONE:  Leave a comment, any comment, in the comment box here, and you will be entered into the drawing — easy peasy.

OPTION TWO:  Make a contribution to the Surry Village Charter School, and your name will be entered in the drawing ten times. 

To  contribute, click on this PayPal button

make a donation in any amount, and your name will be entered ten times into the drawing (no need to leave a comment unless you want to!).

If your name is chosen, you can choose either format:  ebook or audiobook.  I will select three names randomly next week, on Monday, August 19, and will announce the winners on Monday or Tuesday, depending on how together my act is.

Remember:  it’s free to enter; but if you want to increase your chances of winning tenfold, make a donation to the school.

Good luck!

My “Final Footnote” for Aggie Catholics

Marcel LeJeune had a neat idea:

Many of you probably know about a popular series of lectures on college campuses called “The Last Lecture Series”. Professors (and others) are asked to give a lecture to students as if it were the last presentation they are able to give during their life.
Building on this idea – I asked a number of Catholic authors, bloggers, and speakers to answer the following question in 500 words or less:

“What do you think is the most important thing you could tell college students if you had one last blog post to do it?” 

My contribution, “Inch Your Way to the Stars” is up today.  Check it out!  I’m looking forward to the rest of the series!

I go back and forth . . .

about whether to consider myself a feminist.  Then I read something like this, and I think to myself, no way, Jose.  Someone else is gonna have to rehabilitate that word.  I’m not getting within 100 yards of anyone so insanely prickly.  How do they even function when they’re bristling with rage all the time?  How do they even manage to get enough oxygen circulating through their wizened little hearts, when every breath they take is saturated with toxic levels of imaginary sexism?  What a cold, hard world it is for people who . . . really get off on thinking it’s a cold hard world.  My stars.

 

STEALY KILLY

The other day on the Register, someone commented,

What is the point of blogging about your personal life?  So you don’t like to camp and your dog took a crap in your filthy house.  Very nice.

Yeah, well, the difference between this lady and me is that, when I write unpleasant, pointless stuff that nobody cares about, I get paid for it.   Ha ha!

But I have actually been making an effort to defilthify my house lately, going so far as to clean out what I think of as “passive granola” that has accrued in my cabinets.  I also put away the snow pants that everyone has been stepping over to get out the front door, because it’s August already, and winter is practically over.  Fancy, eh?

I worried a little bit that, if I keep up this pace, I’ll lose all the street cred I gained when I wrote one of my most shared posts ever:  Seven Decorating Tips from House Horrible Magazine, which documents the exact moment when we abandoned home school and just started teaching the kids poker.

But I should not have worried.  My seven-year-old daughter picked some berries, and wanted to reserve them for herself.  I suggested putting a lid on the container, and maybe leaving a note.  This is what she wrote:

I really like the quiet menace behind “Boys change your mind.”  I see a bright future for this kid.  If we can only figure out some way she can get paid for writing this stuff . . .