Perhaps you are interested in the topic of femininity: what it means, why it’s important, what the Catholic church teaches about it. You’ve heard of Stephanie Gordon’s new book on the topic, Ask Your Husband, and you see that it’s getting (mostly) glowing reviews on Amazon.
But then you see that some of the more granular and scholarly reviews, like this one and this one, say that, while book claims to teach a boldly orthodox Catholic view on femininity, it actually misunderstands, distorts, and misrepresents Church teaching. And the book’s publisher, TAN, says it has submitted Ask Your Husband to a diocesan censor for review after publication, “to ensure that the content is in line with the faith,” but has not yet heard back from the censor.
It’s an important topic, for sure. But maybe there are better books to read.
What shall we read instead? I asked several well-read Catholic women for recommendations for a new feature I’m calling “Read This, Not That.”
Here’s what they suggested:
DANIELLE BEAN
Danielle is a writer, speaker, podcaster, and retreat leader, and the author of several books.
Danielle recommends:
The Church and the Culture War by Joyce Little
Essays on Woman by Edith Stein
SUSANNA SPENCER
Susanna Spencer has a Masters in theology from the Franciscan University of Steubenville, is a writer and the theological editor for Blessed is She, a regular contributor to the National Catholic Register, and is a co-author of the children’s devotional book, Rise Up: Shining in Virtue. She lives with her philosophy professor husband and four children in St. Paul, Minnesota.
Susanna recommends:
A Call to a Deeper Love: The Family Correspondence of the Parents of Saint Thérèse of the Child Jesus by Saints Zélie and Louis Martin
“This book of letters of canonized saints shows what a holy complementary marriage looks out lived out, with both working together to support the family through St. Zélie’s lace making business and the collaborative efforts they gave to help each other and their children grow in holiness.”
The Privilege of Being a Woman by Alice von Hildebrand
“The brilliant late Alice von Hildebrand (1923-2022) beautifully describes true complementarity of men and women, showing how it is a result of the curses of the Fall than some individual men have devalued women. She shows how women can both have equal dignity but also live out their call to live as full women of faith.”
A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken
“This book shows the importance of men and women treating each other as equals and working hard to maintain their love for each other. It shows the couples growth into faith in Christianity and the tension of giving themselves entirely to God but still to each other.”
Middlemarch by George Elliot
“Novels are great for understanding hard to grasp ideas about life. Middlemarch is classic tome which demonstrates in narrative form ways marriages can be lived out both poorly and well.”
ABIGAIL FAVALE
Abigail Favale is a writer and academic. She is the author of Into the Deep: An Unlikely Catholic Conversion and The Genesis of Gender.
Abigail’s recommendations:
“For a more general resource that touches on a range of topics related to women and Catholicism, watch this free video series: Cultivating Catholic Feminism.
“This series responds to JPII’s call for a ‘new feminism’ and articulates what feminism could look like if truly and authentically Catholic. Full disclosure: I wrote the scripts, but the beautiful production quality and aesthetic is all the brainchild of Corynne Staresinc, founder of The Catholic Woman.”
“If you feel like reading—choose Edith Stein’s Essays on Woman.
“Edith Stein (a.k.a St. Theresa Benedicta of the Cross) is a brilliant philosopher and a saint, and her writings on woman influenced JPII’s development of his theology of the body. Her take on woman and marriage is far more sophisticated and theologically rich than Gordon’s, while also remaining faithful to scripture and tradition.”
“Another book that comes at the question of woman from a totally different angle is The Eternal Woman, by Gertrud von le Fort.
“This book blew my mind when I first read it as a new convert. It is small but packed with rich spiritual insight, describing the beauty of the sacramental significance of woman—something that is unique to Catholicism, and completely overlooked in Gordon’s book.”
RACHEL LU
Rachel Lu is an Associate Editor at Law & Liberty, and a Contributing Writer at America Magazine. She lives with her husband and five sons in St Paul, MN.
Rachel’s recommendations:
“For a dignified, uplifting discussion of men and women and marriage, I like to browse Dietrich von Hildebrand’s Marriage: The Mystery of Faithful Love.
“Hildebrand is a personalist philosopher, not overflowing with practical advice, but the book has many insights to help us think about the complementarity of man and woman, and the sense in which we are meant for one another.”
“My Ántonia, by Willa Cather, offers an inspiring portrayal of maternal strength and honor, lived out on the American plains.
“We only see Antonia as a mother at the end of the book, but her fundamentally maternal character is evident throughout, and it is affirming to me to enjoy a book that is actually focused on the character of an admirable matron, and in showing how a girl can mature into that kind of woman. (Too often literary mothers are flat and uninteresting, mainly serving as support staff for more dynamic characters.)”
“St. Edith Stein’s Essays on Woman is full of rich material for reflecting on the nature of womanhood, and what it means to live as a rational being in a body made for childbearing.
“I’ll give advance warning that this is some heady philosophical stuff! You might not want to read it on a beach. It’s a treat though to see this topic addressed by a woman, who is also both a saint and a first-rate thinker.”
KATIE PREJEAN MCGRADY
Katie Prejean McGrady is an award winning author, speaker, and host of The Katie McGrady Show on The Catholic Channel on Sirius XM. She writes for Aleteia, Blessed is She, Catholic News Service, and hosts the Ave Explores podcast from Ave Maria Press. She lives in Louisiana with her husband and daughters.
Katie recommends:
Three Secrets to Holiness in Marriage: A 33-Day Self-Guided Retreat for Catholic Couples by Dan and Amber DeMatte
“Found it to be accessible, not overly hard to implement, and relatable”
“A much better reflection on the feminine genius [than Ask Your Husband]”
Our Not-Quite-Holy Family: A Practical Guide for Catholic Parents by Marc and Melanie Hart
LEAH LIBRESCO SARGEANT
Leah Libresco Sargeant is the author of Arriving at Amen and Building the Benedict Option. Her substack is Other Feminisms.
Leah recommends:
“My husband and I read this together, out loud, over the course of our engagement. It’s an excellent, accessible work on marriage and thus on men and women. And it’s always focused on how marriage is directed outward and upward to God—which helps avoid a certain kind of inward idolatry.”
“Favale is a convert to Catholicism who was formed first by fundamentalism, then by secular feminism. That means she’s particularly good at discussion where those cultures have ahold of a partial truth, but fall short of the fullness of truth to be found in the Church.”
“This one is the densest read, but the future Saint JPII is answering the hard question: We know marriage means giving up liberty in order to make a full gift of self. How do we make sure we are offering ourselves rightly? What makes marriage fruitful rather than self-erasure? (If I ask my husband, he would also recommend Wojtyla’s exploration of these questions in the play The Jeweler’s Shop, which is much shorter but differently challenging to read).”
“This is our current family spiritual reading, so we’re not finished yet, but I appreciate having the example of many different saints, so we can remember that God calls everyone to sanctity but that there is more than one way to live out that command.”
“Why not explore these questions for more than 1000 pages in 14th century Norway? Hear me out, you guys. Undset makes an epic of one woman’s life to allow the small movements of the heart and the actions of grace to have the weight of a sprawling battle. My husband and I read it alongside a group of friends online, and it made for some of our most fruitful conversations about marriage, self-discipline, and self-gift.”
The problem with modern marriages is that 95% are null:
https://www.catholic365.com/article/30313/95-marriages-null-.html
I’m so happy to see such a great list put together by wonderful people who know the faith and love God. I feel sorry for women like Stephanie Gordon because I think this is more about power and control than God or our faith. I can’t imagine being married to someone who thought so little of me and demanded to have that level of control over my life. And I will do everything in my power to make sure my two daughters know their worth, don’t discount themselves and stay far away from any man who insists that, “I’m in charge and you’re not because God said so”. Just find a nice, normal, loving man who isn’t insecure or needs to have you beneath him.
I keep cracking up thinking of the author of Ask Your Husband, getting her wish to come true and all women just one day disappearing from their market labour jobs. The world would be plunged into chaos.
I just have to say that I read this post, then told my husband the name of the book, and then I laughed until I cried because he thought it was a set-up for an early April fool’s joke. And then he laughed too, because wow, after reading some for the reviews, both positive and negative, this sounds like an awful book. Thanks for sharing some alternatives!
I asked my husband, and he sighed heavily and said “Monica, don’t you think you should read something you would actually enjoy instead?”
There was a big throw down about that book in a Catholic singles facebook group I’m part of. To me it sounds less like a book on the Catholic Feminine which has been done to death and more like a book that tries to explain the rights of men and the duties of women toward them. I haven’t read it, though. That’s just a guess based on the facebook argument I followed. Are there any Catholic books about the rights of men and the duties of women toward them?
“Ask Your Husband”
….did the author lose a bet?
Does anyone else find books on femininity unrelatable? Like Popeye, I yam what I yam. I’m a woman with XX chromosomes. Beyond that, no author on femininity knows my personality, struggles and individual preferences. (I cry at weddings! And sappy movies! But also: I like math! And dinos! And in a house full of men, I’m the biggest football fan).
There’s a presenting couple in our parish’s marriage prep class, who, after 30 years and a lot of counseling, are still together. They talk about how they’ve struggled over the years. They find insight, comfort, and affirmation in that Mars/Venus stuff by John Gray. To me, the whole thing is so much hooey and I’m sorry they’ve married someone with whom they’re essentially incompatible, but I am sincerely glad they’ve found ways to work through their issues. So if Mars/Venus is for struggling couples, I’m left wondering who is the intended audience of books on femininity? Is it women unhappy with their marriages, children, mothering? For sure, there’ve been times I badly needed help parenting my children, or keeping my house neat and tidy, or just walking with God and there were books on those subjects that helped me, but none of them were telling me how to be a girl, thank God.
I relate to a lot of what you’re saying. I’m someone who can’t be put into a box, which is why the Mars/Venus thing never resonated with me (and neither do personality tests, Love Languages, etc). Maybe if people felt free to be their gender in whatever mishmash fits for them, we wouldn’t have people trying to change their genders as often.
I’ve felt my whole life that I’m a good-enough person and Christian, but an absolute failure when it comes to being a Catholic woman. I’ve heard so much “men are like *this* and women are like *that*” sorts of things over the years, and nine times out of ten, I relate with the “man” statement.
So no, you’re not alone. Most woman/femininity books fall flat for me, and sometimes I wonder if they do more harm than good—reflecting back to my younger self, who felt like a failure for not liking “feminine” things. I think especially insidious are the writings which say “you can like sports and Man things so long as you’ve got a feminine attitude” because surprise! I do not have a feminine attitude and making women feel as though they’re wrong for being themselves is a dangerous message.
Anyways.
Good question.
I’ve read a little Edith Stein, and she got into the psychological differences between men and women and how that applies to education. And my husband is a public school teacher who’s told me the data backs up that girls and boys actually do better when they’re in separate classes.
I don’t know. I think books that talk about how different subjects apply differently to women are helpful and can be illuminating, but “how to be a girl” books…I’m with you, I’m not sure.
My husband and I have also found a lot of popular books about marriage and Mars/Venus stuff not very relevant or applicable at all. A short course we took on Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (a form of CBT) was more helpful than any book about marriage we had read in years.
I think a Catholic book on femininity could be helpful in refocusing the mind on a proper Christian vision of human life, as opposed to the endless stream of mechanistic, or egocentric, or hedonistic (or whatever) takes on life and being that the world tends to offer. A Catholic book on masculinity could do the same.
I completely understand! I’ve been married 35 years, and I’m quite feminine in appearance — I like skirts and makeup and bright colors — and I enjoy traditionally female hobbies like needlework and making jam. That said, I’m also far cooler emotionally than my husband, I don’t need nor do I want affirmations of love, I want appreciations for my skills. I HATE being condescended to or treated as weaker or less intelligent. I find that assigning tasks by gender usually a dreadful idea.
Wow, this is a great feature! Thanks to you and to your contributors.