In praise of trampolines

Cons:

• Passing truckers will honk at you.
• Every once in a while, someone’s tooth gets embedded in someone else’s skull and the sound of your femur snapping in half will haunt you for the rest of your days. Big deal. Like that wouldn’t happen eventually anyway.

Pros:

• It’s really, truly fun for all ages. As long as your neck is strong enough to support your head, you can have some kind of good time on a trampoline, whether it’s gently bopping a little baby up and down, or turning ridiculous back flips designed to freak your mother out, or just gingerly springing up and down like a big gooney gooneybird. Also popular: running as fast as you can in a circle while chasing a shrieking toddler. Optional: pretending you’re on the moon.
• It’s a great aid to those “games” where you get to lie down. The kids climb on you and roll around and, because of the motion of the trampoline, they think you’re participating. You can call it the tiger game or the mummy game or the digging up dinosaur game, whatever, as long as you get to lie down in the sun and call it “parenting.”
• It is damn near impossible to bounce for five minutes and still be mad when you get off.
• There is no better sound than the sound that can float in through the window than the sound of previously surly, gloomy, crabby, sullen kids suddenly shouting and laughing together.
• People look hilarious trying to get down.
• It won’t actually help you go into labor unless the baby is ready; but, again, hilarious.
• You always know the answer to the question, “What will we do with all these party guests?”
• If you’re completely the most amazing parents ever, you will also add a sprinkler and a boatload of water balloons to said party activity.
• No little kid can say “trampoline.” “Troppineen,” yes. “Chapoline,” probably. “Boing,” definitely. Look, it’s cute. I’ll take it.
• Add a trampoline to any formal photo shoot and get instant drama (poofy skirts and long hair are a bonus).
• It’s the best possible viewing spot for a meteor shower. You can also rest a little cocktail on your collarbone and pretend you’re watching a meteor shower, as long as it’s not actually pouring rain.
• Passing truckers will honk at you.

In conclusion:

• You should get a trampoline.

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