A Field Guide to Dominicans and Other Terrors

[I’m reposting this from a few years ago because writing it was the most fun I have ever had in my life.]

There’s been a lot of chortling over the panicked students of Indiana University who thought a nice Dominican priest was a member of the KKK armed with one of them KKK bullwhips. Here’s one of the tweets:

iu students be careful, there’s someone walking around in kkk gear with a whip.

and the news spread like wildfire from there. Here’s a picture of the Dominican priest in question, as he helps himself to some frozen yogurt. The “whip” was his rosary. He likes to walk around town saying his rosary for the students.

Are you laughing? Not nice. Not nice at all. It’s a confusing world! It’s very difficult for young people to tell the difference between a priest who is praying for you, and a murderous, racist thug who’d just as soon whip you to death as look at you.

I am basically a healer; so I thought I’d put together a little field guide to help today’s youth navigate their way through the thorny maze of multiculturalism where the downside of diversity means we are all scared stupid all the time.

Keep your eyes peeled for these specimens:

This is a pirate.

You can tell by his beard, the distinctive coloration of his clothing, his intimidating stance, and his pirate hat. The strings you see hanging down from his belt are dangling strings of death!!! Take cover, especially your dubloons.

A group of Crips, probably Rollin’ 60s

menacingly sporting their distinctive blue. Get within a yard of these bad apples and you’ll be murdered to death or have an illegal substance sold to you. Just say no!

Here we have a pair of Santería priests.

No immediate physical threat, unless you are a chicken, but don’t look them in the eye unless you’re prepared to be taken on a whirlwind trip to Hell itself.

This is a bumblebee.

He will sting you, aieee! Run away!

This is actually Catholic Holy Week in Spain.

This one is not a joke.
I know.

Here we see the notorious Bosnian assassin Gavrilo Princip

who cold-bloodedly shot Archduke Ferdinand and his wife and singlehandedly plunged the civilized world into all-consuming war. Also likes frozen yogurt.