Happy Old Year!

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Between FEMEN, climate change, and that ill-considered paintball showdown between Rocco Palmo and Bishop Coyne in the Sala Clementina, the last thing the Vatican needs to do is take any chances with any werewolves. You know there’s room in the papal apartments. They could put newspapers down on the floor if they’re worried about the marble. (I suggest L’Osservatore Romano, because please.)

Read the rest at the Register

Top reasons to sit down in 2014

These are a few of my favorite posts! And this is a picture of Maria von Trapp, for real, from her naturalization application:

 

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I would not have put a frog in her chair. Not. At. All.

photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

Here are some of my favorite posts from 2014. I’ve only included ones that appeared in full on Patheos, and not on the Register or anywhere else. Sorry there are so many. I guess we know who my greatest fan is. (Not Maria von Trapp.)

 

JANUARY began really rough, with the loss of our tenth child on New Year’s Day. We also put boxers on the dog, enjoyed the most flatulent version of Greensleeves ever, heard why abortionists love graphic abortion photos, and speculated aboutwhether or not Taylor Marshall is, in fact, the Walrus.

johnny-and-taylor

FEBRUARY Was full of classy dames, extremely useful progesterone cream, and some breastfeeding bullies, as well as reasons why good people can have a larf when there’s transgendered politicians or Russian olympics involved, and of course butt music from Hell,

butt-song

 

MARCH brought three cisgendered bears, plague puppets that made God say “gevalt,” and an intensely divisive post about love and marriage, where I pointed out that God is faithful, but most of us are not marrying God.

Bonus: A word from Irene, who knows that Christ is not baloney.

southey-bears

 

APRIL was the cruelest month, mixing Let It Go,which was not tolerable, with polio, which apparently is. It turned out we still needed feminism and that I forgot how to shirt; we taught the kids how to Jew, and the mailman wondered what was the deal with us people. 

fisher mail

 

MAY saw the advent of my long-desired hate sites, a survey of the educational squalor that is Fisherland, a few clarifications for parents who feel like they have failed but hard, and one slice of Christianity without so much adorable puppydog in it. And thefirst in the Catholic Artist of the Month series, with Timothy Jones. 

Bonus: my mother on a motorcycle

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In JUNE, I changed my tune, revealing that all my major muses are from Warner Brothers, that even fat fatties can have a nice time in a bathing suit, why we tell our girls they are pretty without fearing that this will cause their brains to fall out, andhow we spend our time when we are B.O.R.E.D.

Bonus: Benny looking especially dangerous.

dog bored

 

JULY was full of summery things like Issues Guy the Sex Sponge, wifely obedience and how I stopped freaking out about it, a step-by-step guide on how to poop, a flap (ho ho) over foreskin idolatry, and another Catholic Artist of the Month, Matthew Good, and boy is he good.

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 Henry William Pickersgill – Meisterwerke der Malerei. Licensed under Public Domain via Wikimedia Commons

 

AUGUST explains why I prefer dumb kids, what to do if you’re Catholic and depressed, where Ann Coulter can stick her exegesis, and what I told that little baby I’m still missing.

Bonus: Holiness is a numbers game, you filthy relativist

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SEPTEMBER was a month for lovingly packed baggies full of tuna, romance advice, a guide for non-scientists who have to deal with science, and the reason I never say I’m blessed.

Bonus: Moving past the urge to truth bomb

lunch tuna

 

OCTOBER brought us the third Catholic Artist of the Month, Neil Carlin, Mercola’sgroundbreaking move to literally blow smoke up your ass to cure Ebola, and adevastatingly adorable peek into Benny’s maternal impulses.

Bonus: bizarro printable masks for your bizarro kids

benny-and-benny

 

As NOVEMBER loomed, we wrestled with Persistent Systemic Weirdness, we examined the fruits of the Legion of Christ, we wondered what God could possibly mean by asking us to go get some butter, and Bad Mama had her say.

Bonus: Thanksgiving advice from Dear Simcha

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By Sul Art, via Wikimedia Commons

 

And finally DECEMBER came with a whimper and a bang, lugging fifty gift recommendations you should totally bookmark, a defense of saying “I have to go to Mass,” a refusal to defend “Mary Didja Know,” a solemnity full of feathers in my cap and black eyes, a wonderful Chickentime simply had, and of course what happened that time my husband’s grandfather went to a boozed-up Raymond Chandler for help.

feast food

 

And that was 2014.

Why I am not at all surprised that the president of Argentina adopted a Jewish son so as to head off the whole werewolf thing

I'm just trying to sprinkle my fiancee's ashes at Lens Crafters! Why does everyone run away from meeeee?

I’m just trying to sprinkle my fiancee’s ashes at Lens Crafters! Why does everyone run away from meeeee?

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Ever read a story a couple of times from a couple of different sources, and you still end up going, “But why did the president of Argentina adopt a Jewish boy to prevent him from becoming a werewolf who will eat unbaptized babies, grandfather, why?”

And then it comes to you: Argentina is the Florida of the world. Things happen there, and there doesn’t have to be a reason. It’s just Argentina, that’s all.

Heck, maybe they’re onto something. Here’s musical precedent:

This whole premise is sweaty.

NH Medicaid May Cut Payments for Circumcision

AS0016701FC20 Baby, visiting doctor, stethoscope examinationphoto courtesy of Wellcome Images

 

The state medicaid program should no longer pay for elective circumcisions in NH, says a proposed bill. 

The bill’s sponsor, state representative Keith Murphy of Bedford, describes the practice as unethical.

“To me there’s something fundamentally wrong about strapping a baby boy to a board and amputating perfectly healthy, normal tissue,” says Murphy.

The American Association of Pediatrics doesn’t agree that the practice is “fundamentally wrong.” In an August, 2014 statement, they said (emphasis mine):

Evaluation of current evidence indicates that the health benefits of newborn male circumcision outweigh the risks and that the procedure’s benefits justify access to this procedure for families who choose it, however, existing scientific evidence is not sufficient to recommend routine circumcision. Therefore, because the procedure is not essential to a child’s current well-being, we recommend that the decision to circumcise is one best made by parents in consultation with their pediatrician, taking into account what is in the best interests of the child, including medical, religious, cultural, and ethnic traditions.

Sanest thing I’ve heard all year. Give the parents lots of sound, medical information, and then let them make up their own minds when they’re deciding how to get their kids the best care for their circumstances.

Mother and Child: A Christmas Gallery of Original Art

Merry Christmas, everybody! I offered up Midnight Mass for all of you, especially for anyone who is lonely or grieving or in pain today. Thanks for another wonderful year of company.

Over at the Register today, nine artists have graciously shared their lovely Madonna and Child artwork with us. Here is just one, by 16-year-old painter Noyuri Umezaki:

 

Christmas art Umizaki

 

Check out the rest here.

Damien and I be chatting with Mark Shea on Radio Maria this evening!

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Mark has the details:

Fellow Patheosi and National Catholic Register blogger and all around Catholic pants expert Simcha Fisher and her rambunctious crew will be on the radio with me today at 6 PM Eastern talking about all things Christmassy (and maybe Hannukkahy too).

To listen to Catholic and Enjoying Live! on line go here at 6:00 PM EDT. The show is live, so feel free to call in at 1–866–333–6279 and you can chat.  And if you want to hear archived shows interviewing such folk as Sherry Weddell, Brandon Vogt, Steven Greydanus, Tom McDonald, Dale Ahlquist, Tricia Bolle, Kevin O’Brien, and Elizabeth Stoker-Bruenig, go here.

I literally can not think of a literally better way you could spend an hour of your Christmas eve, and I mean that literally. Would love to chat if you want to call in!

So he knocks on Raymond Chandler’s door . . .

After seventeen years, you think you have heard all the stories, but I heard a new one this evening. Not especially Christmas-y, but I know at least a few of you who will appreciate the hell out of this.

stevefisherMy husband’s grandfather was Steve Fisher, a pulp novelist and Hollywood screenwriter and producer. Back in the 40′s, he’s writing the screen adaptation of Raymond Chandler’s Lady in the Lake and finds himself stumped, trying to figure out certain aspects of how the mystery unfolded, and how the relationships worked.

So in desperation, he goes to Raymond Chandler’s door and knocked. Chandler opens the door, and clearly has at least half a snootful already. So TaTa Steve introduces himself and explains his dilemma, and asks for help.

Chandler says, “I got my check, I don’t give a shit.” Slams door. End scene.

Just thought you might like to know.

Christmas music I can’t wait to hear!

Today I learned the word “macaronic,” which refers to a style of work where all kinds of languages are thrown together, not necessarily in the most elegant or scholarly way. Like, apparently, a peasant dumpling.

Read about and hear the rest of ten of my favorite pieces of Christmas music at the Register. 

Cheap and Easy Christmas Things that Even You Can Do!

I assume you’re already doing all the religious stuff, and have already bought, made, figured out, or given up on gifts. Here are a bunch of other nice Christmasy things you can do pretty easily, using materials that you may actually have in your house and skills you can probably muster up even at this stage of your life.

 

SOMETHING SWEET TO EAT:

Fudge recipe that doesn’t require a candy thermometer.

fudge

Can be dressed up with various nuts, crushed candies, flavored chips (peanut butter, mint, butterscotch, etc.), but yummy on its own. There are also lots of other great recipes on that page, with clear instructions.

Also more of less foolproof, and without any exotic ingredients or equipment, but messy to make: buckeyes. I let the kids do this one, since it involves a lot of hand-mooshing of dough and unsanitary dipping in chocolate.

 

SOMETHING SAVORY TO EAT:

 

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Jew-for-a-day potato latkes that are great for Chanukah but don’t require any special Jew ingredients. I didn’t bother with the cheesecloth; I just squeezed out the potato shreds in a colander and added a bit of extra flour. So tasty and tender. Serve with sour cream. Leave time to go lie down afterwards.

 

SOMETHING TO LISTEN TO:

Christmas music that is free and won’t make you grind your teeth: The Boston Camerata never disappoints.

medieval feast

 

SOME DECORATIONS TO MAKE:

 

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Neat Christmas decorations that require only some paper, a stapler, and some string
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The dog actually made this one, and he’s an idiot! That’s how easy it is! The dog couldn’t even find the stapler, so he used needle and thread. For a fancier look, try using this basic idea, but with lots of different sizes and shapes (giant to tiny), different cuts (straight, scalloped, etc.), with shiny, patterned, or regular paper, and hang them from string or ribbons or yarn, and add sparkly beads to the string. Instantly dresses up a room if you hang up half a dozen from the ceiling.

We also had fun last year gluing together various kinds of pasta for ornaments. Hot glue worked the best. These can be painted (metallic spray paint is great) or even colored with markers, but you can also get on board the “natural pasta look” train that is not actually a thing. We made wreaths, trees, angels, instruments, and all kinds of stars. We really did! But here are the ones I can actually find, to take a picture of, including the inevitable unfinished Dalek:

 

pasta ornaments

Just look on Pinterest for “pasta ornament” and you’ll see all the possibilities. Because it’s Christmas, I didn’t say “pastabilities.”

 

SOMETHING TO READ OUT LOUD:

 

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Full text of A Christmas Carol by Dickens from Project Gutenberg. I have never actually gotten around to reading this out loud to the kids, but it’s doable. It’s a long short story, not a novel. If you can find a copy of it anywhere, the 1951 movie with Alastair Sim is the best by far.

 

SOMETHING TO AVOID:

argy bargy

Contentious social media. Seriously, if you are feeling stressed out and overwhelmed, you will not feel more peaceful and generous after spending time arguing about torture, racism, rape culture, or liturgical practices, so just close that tab and go find something nicer to do with your time. It’s not that these things aren’t important, and it’s not that you’re wrong. It’s just arguing about them is not going to help us get ready for Christmas. Save some argy bargy for the New Year! It’ll keep.

Calling all artists! I’m looking for Christmas artwork.

I’d love to put together a gallery of Christmas art for the Register on Christmas day. If you have a photo of a work of original art you’d be willing to share (and if you own the copyright or have permission to share online!), please drop me a line at simchafisher[at]gmail[dot]com and write “Christmas art” for the subject. I try to keep the wordiness to a minimum on Christmas, so this will just be an image and, if you like, a link to your blog or website. Thanks!