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God Said “Gevalt”

Are you a SCOIT (Suffering Catholic of Insulted Taste)? Have you white-knuckled your way through “Ashes” and “Hosea,” and bitten your tongue as your PinterEst pals gush over empty tomb rolls?

PIC empty tomb rolls. “Gather ’round, children, as I tell you a tale of a marshmallow named Jesus, who melted. Now eat His grave. EAT IT!”

In the spirit of ecumenism, I would like to remind you that Christians by no means corner the market on ghastly religious kitsch bordering on blasphemy. As your token mudblood Jew who is allowed to make fun of stuff like this, I present

TEN PLAGUE FINGER PUPPETS

For Passover.  Because, in the words of Sepharidic Medieval philosopher Mosheh ben Maimon, when you want to convey an ontologically freighted story of misery, death, loss and salvation, you want to do it in the most oogly googly, felty welty, puppety wuppety way possible.

Then this morning, my daughter sent me this link from from Etsy:

Yarr, it’s the Ten Plagues Fingernail Decals.

You won’t want to Pass-over these Ten Plagues Nail Decals! These adorable frogs, flies, and locusts are bound to be a hit at your Seder. Order yours today!

And God is saying, “Gevalt, did you want Me to smite you again? Is that what you want?

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