I wasn’t sure whether to make this public or not, but what the heck. I know you guys are wonderful pray-ers, so if you could spare a quick Hail Mary or a “Jesus, help us” prayer, I would be grateful!
Yesterday, I was halfway through a post announcing that I am pregnant with a very much desired baby #10. Then I started bleeding steadily all day yesterday. Today, I have just about stopped bleeding. I went to the lab yesterday, so they could test HCG levels. They will do another test Wednesday afternoon, and I will get the results in the evening. So, unless things take a terrible turn in the mean time, I will not know whether it’s reasonable to have hope for this baby or not. It may not be reasonable to hope.
Up and down, up and down. I have never had a miscarriage before. I know that’s practically a miracle. We’ve had complications, but God has given us nine mostly healthy children with no losses. I know that He has given us this baby, too. Baby is the size of a blueberry, and is starting to sprout fingers and toes. Or he should be. Anyway, he is real, and I haven’t said goodbye yet.
I am keeping up hope because I would rather grieve a baby than not know how to feel, if I find out he is dead. I am not trying to figure out how to feel, and I am not beating myself up over feeling the wrong things, or for forgetting for a moment what’s happening. It’s just up and down, up and down. My husband is working from home, and he will be home tomorrow. I am just keeping busy and staying warm, and am happy to be with my family.
